Experts from the Northland Institute of Culinary Arts today confirmed what all Northlanders have long known: Montreal bagels are vastly superior to those from New Amsterdam.
In contrast to the more bread-like bagels made in New Amsterdam (above right), those in Montreal are made with malt and sugar with no salt, and are boiled in honey-sweetened water before baking in a wood-fired oven—resulting in both superior taste and superior zombie-killing capabilities. According to a statement issued by the Institute,”Our strict scientific testing has confirmed that Montreal bagels are sweeter, more delicious, and can incapacitate the undead when thrown with sufficient velocity at the head. Moreover, the wooden paddles traditionally used to place them in the oven can be sharpened and used as a defensive weapon, and the paper bags they come in when freshly baked can double as an emergency treatment for hyperventilation. By contrast, puffy New Amsterdam bagels simply bounce off their targets, and—when sold in plastic bags—represent a serious choking hazard for small children.”