PM Judeau reassures Northlanders: Be happy, don’t panic

Prime Minister Trustin Judeau today took a break from visiting an experimental yoga camp and organic farm to reassure Northlanders that a growing epidemic of violence and chaos South of the Border were “nothing to worry about.”

“Like you I have seen the news reports of mass murder, of shootings, of bloody walking corpses devouring the very brains of the living—but these should be put in context,” Judeau said to reporters as he lunched on a mixed salad of organic alfalfa sprouts and locally-sourced cranberries. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before. We’re well prepared. People should go about their daily business, whether it be eating poutine with the family, or welcoming immigrants, or deploring violence while celebrating a national game that is regularly punctuated by on-ice brawls.” The emergency services are well prepared for any eventuality, he added. “With Northland Day approaching on July 1st, I would urge everyone to be happy, don’t panic, and to bask in our great and friendly country’s innate sense of smug self-righteousness.”