White House Begs for Help from Corporations

The National Media has learned that the White House has begged for help from major corporations as the federal government appears unable to do anything to treat the infected (definitely not “zombies” according to repeated messages from the administration despite evidence to the contrary).

 

The full statement from the White House to the corporations is as follows:

 

Ladies and Gentlemen

By now you have no.doubt heard about the virus crisis facing the country.
As a representative of Homeland Security, FEMA and the CDC we are
requesting your help. You have access to advanced research facilities that
can assist us in isolating the cause for this epidemic, I am asking you to
share them with us, in return for whatever materials is we can supply and
any commercial uses that arise from this research.

Specifically one of our agents is holding two infected in Adirondack, we
need a facility to study them and develop treatments.

Your country needs you.
— US Department of Homeland Security
Security Crisis Team
Washington, DC