BREAKING: WABASH HAS FALLEN

ERRATA- We would like to apologise for referring to the state of Wabash incorrectly as ‘Boyle’, as we were quoting verbatim from the President (who apparently had a ‘covfefe’ moment, bless her)

BREAKING NEWS: The city of Wabash has fallen to the ‘infectious disease’ that has been sweeping America.  The President has expressed that her thoughts are with the city, but does not see the need to declare a state of emergency just yet.

Governors of cities overrun by infection are urged to reach out to the Federal Government to request for aid.  The President made reference to cities who have previously showed resistance to federal aid, and continued that Governors and the Federal Government should be on a two-way street as the Federal Government will not be able to provide aid effectively if information is not volunteered to the Government in the first instance.

The President continued that the Government desperately needs more information to “understand the situation”, but assured this paper that the Federal Government is prepared and adequately supplied to extend aid to cities upon request.

When pressed further, the President refused to comment on the the two captured specimens.  However, from a separate conversation this paper had with FEMA, we understand FEMA is reaching out for help from corporations to aid the Government in its time of need, with regard research on the captured specimens.  The President is, however, still debating if the famed 4th July Picnic on the Gardens should still go on.

The conversation with the President and FEMA underscores the current state of turmoil within the White House, as lack of information and panic permeates through each level of the Administration.

God bless America.