Archive For The “Shawnee” Category

People of Shawnee: Deputy Mayor Milliken

People of Shawnee: Deputy Mayor Milliken

Deputy Milliken comes from humble beginnings. Daughter of a rock farmer and tarantula (separate people) she remembers her childhood fondly. Since becoming Deputy Mayor, she is proud to tell us she’s made fires worse, for the purpose of fighting zombies, and if that was her aim, then she was certainly successful

For more news, look out for Shawneee Social – Press you can be sure of

Alex Montrose and Hugo Lewkowicz

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Editor in Chief Runs for President!

Editor in Chief Runs for President!

I, the Editor in Chief of the Kanawha Newspaper am running for President of the United States of America! I have been dutifully representing the voice of the people during this pressing weekend, and I have been the only voice of reason amidst all of this chaos. I hope you will consider giving me your support.

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Cure Found in Wiederhorn

Cure Found in Wiederhorn

Once again, the brave citizens of Shawnee have proven the fortitude, as our Governor Firefly proudly announced today that a cure has been discovered in Wiederhorn. As we speak, federal forces are being mobilised to help spread this cure and assist our less lucky state neighbours

Firefly for President? Only time will tell

For more news, lookout for the Shawnee Social – the press you can be sure of

Alex Montrose and Hugo Lewkowicz

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Federal Funding Dropped from Nutrivend

Federal Funding Dropped from Nutrivend

Today Federal Offices in Shawnee have confirmed that they will be dropping all Nutrivend funding due to concerns involving a federal investigation. Instead they will be funding AIM, as “they have no reason not to trust them.”

For more news, look out for Shawnee Social, the press you can be sure of

Alex Montrose and Hugo Lewkowicz

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Coup in Wabash

Coup in Wabash

Reports are coming in from sources close to Governor Firefly that our neighbour state of Wabash has seen rise to a coup. Rumours tell that a the National Guard, with universal mayoral support, have made moves to overthrow the Wabashian Governor. Sources tell us that the state of Wabash have authorised the use of “unconventional weapons” to deal with the “infection”. As of yet, we don’t know who by. Meanwhile, the Mayors of Powhaton have formed a possy to hunt and execute their governor for “inaction”.

In a statement today from our Governor, Firefly officially “condemns” the actions of Wabash’s National Guard and continues to support our emergency services in this time, and we in turn support her.

For more new, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure of

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

 

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Panic in Louisville

Panic in Louisville

Citizens of Louisville are left quaking in fear under the increasing threat of infection. Whilst they struggle under diminishing resources, Mayor Mayoh has been forced to ask our Governor to intervene. Mayoh’s message to the people of Lousiville is that they should “Stay indoors”.

This news is only made more alarming by the fact that their University is leading the way in finding a cure for the infection. Elizabethtown tell us that they too are researching a cure, although we hear at Shawnee Social find ourselves confused as to how as they are yet to precure any “specimens”.

For more news, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure of

Alex Montrose and Hugo Lewkowicz

 

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Shawnee – A State to be proud of

Shawnee – A State to be proud of

At such hard times, it’s often difficult to find any positivity. However, our humble state, where heroes like Shawn the Shawnee Shrub are born and raised, has once again made me proud to say I am a Shawneean

I started this day at a press conference where our own Governor Firefly braved Elizabethtown to announce their joint partnership and that with Louisville to minimalise casualties and support our emergency services. From their I followed her to Paducah, City of Angels, where she congratulated the Chief of Police, commending their integrity and grit in all that has happened. When pressed on what is next for our Chief of Police, she tells us she is “taking a well-earned rest.”

We hear reports that Louisville is researching a cure for the infection, with state and federal funding, and our hospitals are being extended to keep its citizens safe and healthy

All in all, Shawnee is blooming. Go Shrubs!

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Louisville and Elizabethtown State of Emergency

Louisville and Elizabethtown State of Emergency

The National Guard have surveyed the city of Elizabethtown and have advised that, due to the close proximity of the “youths” and adverse conditions in the city, they would be able and willing to help further if they declared a state of emergency. This is not surprising as sources close to the Chief of Police express concerns in their competency, as they yo-yo the police force to and from Paducah.

Meanwhile, Louisville have declared an official state of emergency. Mayor Mayoh tells us they are arming and deploying the National Guard, but they are having difficulty triaging the wounded, and tell us that any increase could be a serious problem indeed

Governor Firefly is happy that the National Guard are properly funded, and the National Guard in turn are pleased with the increase of resources coming their way, despite stating “we are desparately in need of more helicopters.”

We Shawneans need to stand together in this adversity. We support our fellow citizens against youths. Governor Firefly will see us safe

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Press Conference: Governor Firefly

Press Conference: Governor Firefly

Today Shawnee Governor Firefly has called a press conference in Wiederhorn to reassure her citizens of their safety. She tells us that everything is under control, and that she has full confidence in her cities. However, she is working on generating extra assistance for the youth plague.

As for the matter of the national guard, she stated “we don’t need the national guard in our cities.”

In other news, nearby Louisville is crumbling under the pressure of the youths. The unarmed national guard, stationed there for a parade, are begging to be mobilised, and speak of worries for their own safety. They are “just waiting to be casualties.” But all is OK, because we don’t need them anyway, right Governor Firefly?

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

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Louisville Press Announcement – Invest in Emergency Services

Louisville Press Announcement – Invest in Emergency Services

The illustrious Mayor Mayoh of Louisville has called a press conference today to announce his increased investment in ambulances. He feels proud of his city’s ability to cope with the youth “problem”, and is impressed by his citizens resolve in this crisis.

Mayoh is running for State Governor, and this paper for one could not be more please

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

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Elizabethtown to the Rescue

Elizabethtown to the Rescue

Worried about Paducah’s growing youth problem, Elizabethtown have thrown in their emergency services in to help. Paducah are grateful for the help, as are we, as we’re looking forward to the upcoming Paducah Charity Party! Come one, come all!

However, at time of press, at the last minute Elizabethtown back out of this deal, citing it as “too expensive”

 

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

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State of Emergency – Youths Strike Again

State of Emergency – Youths Strike Again

Cancel your flights. Cancel your summer holiday plans. The youths have other plans.

With the city of Aurora in Illinewek and the whole of Northland declaring a state of emergency due to these youth’s actions, homeland security have been forced to ground all flights coming to or from America. Is this why the 101st Battalion has been mobilised in Fort Cambell?

The Governor’s office tell us they “have no details currently.”

Will somebody please think of the children?

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

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Youths at City Hall

Youths at City Hall

Wiederhorn City Hall, which has fallen into disarray since the disappearance of Mayor Ibbotson, has been surrounded by a blight of youths. The Chief of Police assures us that they have increased police presence to deal with these villainous youths.

Sources tell us that the Mayor Ibbotson has been caught with his lover in Hawaii, and this is the reason for his continued abscence.

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

 

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People of Shawnee: Governor Firefly

People of Shawnee: Governor Firefly

Governor Firefly has a difficult job. Being a republican governor in a majority democrat state you would think she would struggle with the pressure. However, when our roving reporter Alex Montrose came to interview her for our feature, he found her surprisingly cavalier

When pushed on funding matters, she promises to increase funding on the National Guard. “I will make America great again.” – Not that she sees eye to eye with our President on all topics. “I disagree with many things that Trump says and does.”

One thing the Governor is dedicated to is festivities. She wants a military parade for this year’s July 4th party, and is willing to waste public money to make this happen. Truly and inspirational leader

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

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ZOMBIE BREAKOUT – Or is it all just youths?

ZOMBIE BREAKOUT – Or is it all just youths?

Sources close to Paducah City Hall are confirming riots in their town. The news is coming in in dribs and drabs, but an unnamed source has made claims of a “zombie outbreak.” As riots grow in this small University City, questions must be asked of its leadership.

This is a personal story for us here at the Shawnee Social, as we hear our friend and freelance journalist John Kelloggs has been caught up in the attacks. This dedicated reporter has not been heard from since.

At time of press, City Hall is claiming that this riot was a protest. Our journalist, Alex Montrose has been informed that these riots were for reasons unknown

Rumours from within feel the police department is incompetent, claiming the police chief of staff hid from real action. Paducah Police Chief Mason tells us she was very busy manning the phones.

Is there anything these youths will not do? Can Police Chief Mason manage the Youth threat? And what does this mean for the Paducah Community Festival this Sunday?

For more information, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Hugo Lewkowicz and Alex Montrose

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Breaking News: Youth in Revolt

Breaking News: Youth in Revolt

Citizens of Wiederhorn have been left baffled and confused with the recent absence of their Mayor Ibbotson and Deputy Chief-of-Staff Cutts. Both senior and well respected members of the establishment, liked and loved by all, have not been heard from since two days ago. Talking to the remaining staff at the Wiederhorn City Hall it seems they are busy out of town. Deputy Mayor Moutsinas, acting as a spokesperson from the Wiederhorn Mayor’s office has told the Shawnee Social “they are at some kind of conference”. When pushed, we were told they were at an emergency briefing in Ouisconsin, although as of yet we have not been able to verify this story

People on the ground have been telling a different story. Rumours of bands of youths wearing low hanging jeans, playing popular music and speaking in slang have reached our office, an understandable cause for concern. Is the disappearance of our beloved mayor and these youths just a coincidence, or is this the start of a urban nightmare.

The Governer Firefly tells us the Wiederhorn are “not very forthcoming with information… I have nothing to say about that. That’s their problem.” Can the Wiederhorn Office run as an efficient and effective department without their Ibbotson and Cutts? Only time will tell.

For all the news about dreaded youths, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can be sure in

Follow @shawneepress for more

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People of Shawnee: Shawn the Shawnee Shrub

People of Shawnee: Shawn the Shawnee Shrub

Wiederhorn, Shawnee: We all know and love the charming mascot of the The Shawnee State Shrubs, who have been led into university footballing hall of fame by their controversial coach Bill Tucket. But who is the man behind the shrub? We went to find out.

When I first came in to Shawn’s flat I was taken aback by how humble his home was. Father of five and mother of three, Shawn’s cosy flat is home to 9 potted plants in total. Amongst the clutter you’ll find college applications for the elder oaks, and hand paintings from the little ones’ nursery.

“So tell me Shawn, what first drew you in to mascot work?”

“Go shrubs!” Shawn warmly chants, offering me a mug of tea.

“Fascinating. And do you find your children inspire you in your work?”

A tear wells in the area where Shawn’s eyes should be. “Go Shrubs” he quietly chokes.

“Finally, do you have any words of encouragement for you aspiring mascots?”

“Go Shrubs!”

As I leave Shawn, I can’t help but reflect on what an inspirational figure he is to the community. I look forward to watching this career rise.

For more “People of Shawnee”, look out for the Shawnee Social – Press you can can be sure of

Hugo Lewkowicz

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