Archive For The “Northland” Category

End of Game

End of Game

Despite all the zombies and fires in London, they were regaining control of the city.  The mayor proudly fought on the front lines the entire game, killing zombies, civilians, putting out bad fires and starting good ones.

Niagara ended the game without ever reaching mass panic, in complete control of the city.

Northland effectively dealt with refugees with enormous camps in Toronto and Cornwall, and sent good reinforcements to Adirondack but never heard back.  Our planes went North to shoot down the nuclear Russian bombers, but the game ended before we heard what happened.

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Editor in Chief Runs for President!

Editor in Chief Runs for President!

I, the Editor in Chief of the Kanawha Newspaper am running for President of the United States of America! I have been dutifully representing the voice of the people during this pressing weekend, and I have been the only voice of reason amidst all of this chaos. I hope you will consider giving me your support.

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Northland troops seen in North of Adirondack

Northland troops seen in North of Adirondack

Locals in Plattsburgh and Saratoga Springs have reported the presence of Northland troops in their area, apparently moving towards the city of . However, Adirondack State Governor Tim Duerinck claims to have no news about the whereabouts of the Northland Army. There is still no clarity about the intentions of the Northland Army on our grounds.

 

 

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Breaking: Russian military over Northland

Breaking: Russian military over Northland

Russian military planes have been spotted north of Northland.  The Prime Minister has sent air forces to meet them as a precautionary measure to issue a warning.  More as this develops.

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Change of Tactics in Burning Remains of London

Change of Tactics in Burning Remains of London

A statement from the mayor of London following announcement of a cure to restore zombies to regular humans: “We will be using the cure to its full effect as soon as possible.  We will be continuing to use military and police action only to restrain and prevent more outbreak, police are using as much restraint as possible.”

When asked if this change in tactics was due to a firetruck filled with gasoline exploding in a suburban area, the mayor said “Of course not.  That was part of the plan.”  The mayor was now wearing a tie again, but had not put on a shirt or cleaned the ash and warpaint from his body.

 

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Operation 1812 – Help is Here

Operation 1812 – Help is Here

Northland has finally gotten troops passed the border into Adirondack.  “In response to the Whitehouse, we have sent three companies of strikers under control of the pentagon to help with the crisis.”

When asked about the fires in Sarnia, visible for miles around, the PM said “Our emergency crews are working to control the situation.”

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Bombs fall in London

Bombs fall in London

London Ontario has taken drastic measures against the undead menace.  An airstrike demolishes areas next to Lake Erie, taking out zombies and abandoned homes alike.

“This is our second airstrike,” the mayor said smugly.  “Our FIRE trucks have also proven quite effective.  I’m sure there were no civilians in the area.”  The mayor was wearing a horrific zombie skull as a helmet at the time of the statement, appearing totally unafraid of infection.

The mayor of London showing off their new weapon.

 

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White House: Nuclear Breach is in Northland, not Mishigamaa

White House: Nuclear Breach is in Northland, not Mishigamaa

The White House has stated that the previously reported nuclear breach in Mishigamaa is actually located across the border in Northland. While discussions are apparently underway between the White House and the Northland Prime Minister, the White House is unwilling to share any details with a concerned public.

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President re Northland’s Offer of Military Assistance: “No Comment”

President re Northland’s Offer of Military Assistance: “No Comment”

When asked about the offer of military assistance from the Prime Minister of Northland, the President replied, “No comment.” In the face of an unprecedented crisis, it is highly concerning that the President appears to be unwilling to take decisive action as needed.

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Mayor Mayhew speaks to London municipal employees

Mayor Mayhew speaks to London municipal employees

Mayor Mayhew encouraging local municipal employees.

Mayor Callum Mayhew, speaking at London City Hall today, praised municipal preparations to combat the zombie menace, and encouraged city workers to “hold your ground!”  

The Mayor went on to say “Sons and daughters of London, of Windsor, my brothers/sisters,I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men and women fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day.”

 

He added, “An hour of undead and shattered riot shields, when the age of persons comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight. By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, municipal employees of southwest Ontario!”

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“Let us help” – Northland PM

“Let us help” – Northland PM

Northland troops are gathered on the border to Adirondack, prepared to help with the zombie crisis.  “We are waiting to hear back from the White House before sending in troops” says the Prime Minister.

When asked about the problems within Northland, including a shootout on the tarmac of the Toronto airport with armed, desperate refugees, the PM responded “we have everything under control here.  We’re trying to help people who need it more.”

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London reaches mass panic

London reaches mass panic

“We will burn London to the ground before abandoning it!”, shouted the mayor, riding atop a black firetruck spewing gasoline.  He was shirtless and had steaks of ash painted across his body at the time of the statement.

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London concerned – is this the apocalypse?

London concerned – is this the apocalypse?

Citizens concerned firetrucks in London are being painted black and dumping out their water.  “The are being painted the colour of smoke and ash.” Says the mayor ominously.

London is currently on the verge of mass panic.

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Nuclear leak!

Nuclear leak!

Reported leak at Bruce nuclear plant on the shores of Lake Huron.  “We are responding to the situation as quickly as possible, further updates to come,” the PM quickly responded.

On a clear day, the power plant can be seen from the shores of Mishigamaa.

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London struggling with zombie menace

London struggling with zombie menace

London has been seeing large numbers of the undead in their city.  “The issue is being dealt with carefully, we are taking appropriate measures and there is no need to be concerned.”  Reports the mayor.  “For now.”

“No citizens have been attacked.” He adds, responding to reports of firing on infected citizens.

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Prime minster reaches out to first nations

Prime minster reaches out to first nations

The prime minister has put out a request to first nations on both sides of the border for help with security and support in these trying times.

The office also mentioned plans to send troops south of the border to assist.

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Northland welcomes refugees!

Northland welcomes refugees!

The office of the prime minister has issued a statement saying that refugees are always welcome in Northland.  “We have great concern about the infected, but we have things under control and are keeping visitors quarantined in Cornwall.  Our friends to the south are suffering worse problems than we are and it’s our responsibility to help.”

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Niagara under control!

Niagara under control!

The mayor of Niagara has stressed that they are dealing with the local zombie menace effectively, in cooperation with the chief of police.  There are currently zero reports of zombies in Niagara.  Everything’s fine, how are you?

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Reports of infected refugees in Northland

Reports of infected refugees in Northland

Refugees from our South Of Border (SOB) neighbours in Cornwall and Niagara have been found to be infected with the Zed virus.  No word yet on any policy changes regarding refugees, but a refugee camp has been set up in Cornwall and Niagara.

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Northland grounds flights

Northland grounds flights

The office of the prime minister has grounded all nonmilitary flights for security reasons.

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The Dead Are Walking on Water

The Dead Are Walking on Water

Washing up on shore, the walking dead have emerged in Northland!

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As increasing numbers of refugees pour across the southern border, officials in the London, Ontario area report sporadic incidents of looting. In Sault Ste-Marie, the 427 Special Operations Aviation Squadron has been deployed to the area to disarm a recently-arrived group of southern survivalists.

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Ontario forges alliance with Tim Hortons

Ontario forges alliance with Tim Hortons

The premier of Ontario has forged an official alliance with popular franchise, known for their ‘good enough’ coffee and doughnuts.  “Given the current state of emergency we have forged this alliance to help our police and emergency services.”

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Northland declares federal state of emergency

Northland declares federal state of emergency

The office of the prime minister has declared a federal state of emergency early this morning after a car crash in the Niagara region, and a crash at the London international airport.  “There are reports from the States that the public is not yet aware of.  We want to be prepared.”

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Northland researchers call for international collaboration

Northland researchers call for international collaboration

Police guard the VAC crisis conference at McGill University.

Speaking at an emergency symposium on the Zombie crisis at McGill University today, the Director of the Northland Public Health Agency called for “unprecedented international collaboration to end the scourge of Vicious Animated Corpses.”

“To develop an effective VACcine, we will need researchers, the private sector, and all levels of government to come together,” added Dr. Reanne A. Mayted. “We at the NPHA stand ready to provide such assistance. Even as we speak, our teams—together with our provincial counterparts—are deploying to the most severely affected areas of southern Ontario. Our scientists will study the VACs, while our mobile lab team will assist hospital pathologists in isolating any pathogen that might be responsible.”

Federal and provincial officials report that they are reaching out to counterparts South of the Border, and stand ready to provide samples and other material necessary to develop effective countermeasures.

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Mayor Bourgeois: “You cannot pass!”

Mayor Bourgeois: “You cannot pass!”

Mayor Bourgeois rebukes the undead at Rainbow Bridge, Niagara.

In a hastily-convened press conference astride the Rainbow Bridge over the Niagara River Mayor Jano Bourgeois warned the undead hordes of Adirondack “You cannot pass!”

In response to questions from reporters, the mayor explained, “”I am the servant of Niagara Falls, wielder of the Flame of Ontario. The infestation rules will not avail you, Flame of Buffalo! Go back to the Shadow! You — shall not — pass!”

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A Quiet Northland Morning…What could go wrong?

A Quiet Northland Morning…What could go wrong?

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Happy 150th Northland Day!

Happy 150th Northland Day!

HAPPY 150th!!!

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Montreal’s Annual Zombiewalk to Proceed as Scheduled

Montreal’s Annual Zombiewalk to Proceed as Scheduled

“I’m sure it won’t be a problem”, commented Jacques Strappe, organizer of Montreal’s famed Zombiewalk.

As Montreal celebrates its 375th anniversary, and Northland its 150 years of confederation, the Paris of North America contiues with its plans for fun and frivolity despite the panic to the south.

With festivals set to run all summer, Montreal’s Mayor Chenille Nogodere is determined to go ahead full steam with his lofy celebratory plans: “With all the money we spent on the beautiful orange cones around the city, you think something like an undead plague in America will stop us? Like our Prime Minister’s father said long ago: Just watch me!

 

 

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Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (AP Aurelia Ontario)

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (AP Aurelia Ontario)

“Well I don’t know, they just showed up at the door”, stated Mrs. Ida Olgunquit, when asked about her new American “friends”.

Ida, a kindly 84-year old resident of Aurelia, Ontario, took in a family of people who she believed to be lost, beleaguered American tourists.

“They were all dirty and grunting, wearing their ‘Make America Great Again’ hats. I thought they were lost so I invited them in for tea.”, the lovely lady continued, “I didn’t suspect anything until one of them tried to bite Captain Majectic’s tail [editor’s note: Captain Majestic is Ida Olgonquit’s Persian Cat].”

Mrs. Olgonquit called 911 shortly after serving the American visitors her reknowned steak tartare, which seemed to please them very much. When asked why she didn’t call authorities earlier, she simply stated “that wouldn’t have been very polite, dear.”

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Chief Derradji: No fire too hot handle

Chief Derradji: No fire too hot handle

Chief Derradji sets passions alight at scene of recent blaze.

Niagara region emergency services chief Islam “Le Pouvoir” Derradji has reassured local citizens that “no fire is too big, no conflagration too hot to handle” for the men and women of the local fire department.

As large plumes of smoke rose from the nearby city of Buffalo, Chief Derradji expressed his hope that the chaos seen South of the Border would not reach Northand. “All I can say is  avoid open flames indoors, don’t overload electrical outlets, and replace the batteries in your smoke detectors annually. Apocalypse or not, your life may depend on it!”

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Surly Tourists Spotted at Rainbow Bridge Border Crossing

Surly Tourists Spotted at Rainbow Bridge Border Crossing

There are many reports of surly American tourists crossing the border at Rainbow Bridge into Niagara.

The unkempt, barely verbal tourists seem single-minded in their efforts to cross into Northland for the 150th celebrations.

Representatives from the NBSA (Northlands Border Security Agency) were unavailable for comment.

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Northland – Yours to Discover

Northland – Yours to Discover

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Northland Post issues commemorative stamps

Northland Post issues commemorative stamps

The new commemorative stamps from Northland Post, marking 150 years of Confederation.

To mark the 150th anniversary of Confederation, Northland Post has issued a set of commemorative stamps.

 

Unveiling the new stamps, Deputy Prime Minister Aaron Brennan stressed the importance of this year’s Northland Day celebrations on July 1. “One hundred and fifty years ago, our forbears came together in Charlottetown to eat lobster and build a new country. At the time, they faced enormous challenges in bring together so many different peoples from coast to coast to coast. Today we are a people bound together in our common love of tolerance and diversity, our shared disdain for Toronto, and our collective inability to afford real estate in Vancouver.”

 

In what may or may not have been an oblique reference to the recent epidemic of undead-related mayhem South of the Border, Brennan added “We may all soon die as endless hordes of bloodthirsty lifeless fiends spill across our borders, devour our children and small pets, and litter our pristine streets with mangled body parts torn from the very bodies of the living—but, my fellow Northlanders, we will do so together, and do so with some very nice commemorative stamps as well.”

 

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Northland Public Health Agency issues new advisories

Northland Public Health Agency issues new advisories

The Northland Public Health Agency today released revised health guidelines for the month July.

“We are warning all Northlanders that plentiful spring rains, followed by a warm summer, have resulted in unusually high pollen levels across southern Ontario and Quebec.” said it statement. “Consequently, watery, itchy eyes and frequent sneezing are likely to afflict those suffering from seasonal allergies. These can be treated with simple over-the counter medication.”

The statement continued: “In addition, if travelling South of the Border this summer, travellers should be aware that growing numbers of Vicious Animated Corpses have been reported in areas of Mishigamaa and Adirondack. If VACs are encountered, we advise against approaching. Instead, it is recommended that Northlanders apologize politely, and withdraw from the area immediately.

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Environment Northland forecast for July 1

Environment Northland forecast for July 1

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Top experts agree: Montreal bagels are better

Top experts agree: Montreal bagels are better

Montreal (left) and New Amsterdam (right) bagels.

Experts from the Northland Institute of Culinary Arts today confirmed what all Northlanders have long known: Montreal bagels are vastly superior to those from New Amsterdam.

In contrast to the more bread-like bagels made in New Amsterdam (above right), those in Montreal are made with malt and sugar with no salt, and are  boiled in honey-sweetened water before baking in a wood-fired oven—resulting in both superior taste and superior zombie-killing capabilities. According to a statement issued by the Institute,”Our strict scientific testing has confirmed that Montreal bagels are sweeter, more delicious, and can incapacitate the undead when thrown with sufficient velocity at the head. Moreover, the wooden paddles traditionally used to place them in the oven can be sharpened and used as a defensive weapon, and the paper bags they come in when freshly baked can double as an emergency treatment for hyperventilation. By contrast, puffy New Amsterdam bagels simply bounce off their targets, and—when sold in plastic bags—represent a serious choking hazard for small children.”

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NBC announces new season of “Dick Danger: Apocalypse Survival”

NBC announces new season of “Dick Danger: Apocalypse Survival”

Dick Danger sees some of the local historical sites during a visit to Sarnia, Ontario.

Popular reality television star Dick Danger will be back for another season on the Northland Broadcasting Corporation prime-time schedule, according to Emmy Nant-Menasse, Director of Strangely Relevant Programming at NBC.

“Dick Danger’s surviving fans have let us know that they want him back, regardless of whatever charges he faces in Costa Rica,” said Nant-Menasse. “Whether it’s wielding a blood-stained machete against ninja thugs in a dark ally, impaling an alien predator on a sharpened traffic cone, extracting drinking water from a dead racoon, or just being a Dick, no one else does it like Danger.”

Dick hot-wires a car during a recent episode of his hit TV series.

In a statement put out by his publicist, the star welcomed the NBC announcement. “Danger is my middle (and last) name, and so I’m very excited to be appearing in Northland for another season. My viewers are lucky to have me!”

A feature-length autobiographical movie, “Danger: Awesomeness Revealed” is scheduled for release later this year.

Security camera footage of a traffic accident involving Danger and intoxicated members of a heavily-armed mariachi band. Courtesy: Daily Mail.

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Northland Armed Forces may consider “limited call up of reservists”

Northland Armed Forces may consider “limited call up of reservists”

A spokesperson for the Northland Armed Forces has confirmed that the NAF might consider a “limited call up of reservists” if the crisis South of the Border grows any worse.

Such a mobilization of reserves—last seen during the Great Maple Syrup Shortage of 2015—would follow either declaration of a state of emergency by the federal government, or a request from the Ontario government for assistance under the Emergencies Act.

Chief of the Defence Staff General Daryl Cartier expressed confidence in the NAF’s ability to deal with any eventuality. “Despite having an underfunded regular forces component and reservists with decades-old hand-me-down equipment, the NAF is second to none. During the Zombie Invasion of 1812 our brave Northlands forces turned back the invaders, and we’re ready to do it again.”

He was quick to add that it was unlikely to prove necessary to burn down the White House again this time, however.

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PM Judeau reassures Northlanders: Be happy, don’t panic

PM Judeau reassures Northlanders: Be happy, don’t panic

Prime Minister Trustin Judeau today took a break from visiting an experimental yoga camp and organic farm to reassure Northlanders that a growing epidemic of violence and chaos South of the Border were “nothing to worry about.”

“Like you I have seen the news reports of mass murder, of shootings, of bloody walking corpses devouring the very brains of the living—but these should be put in context,” Judeau said to reporters as he lunched on a mixed salad of organic alfalfa sprouts and locally-sourced cranberries. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before. We’re well prepared. People should go about their daily business, whether it be eating poutine with the family, or welcoming immigrants, or deploring violence while celebrating a national game that is regularly punctuated by on-ice brawls.” The emergency services are well prepared for any eventuality, he added. “With Northland Day approaching on July 1st, I would urge everyone to be happy, don’t panic, and to bask in our great and friendly country’s innate sense of smug self-righteousness.”

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