Archive For The “Kanawha” Category

Huntington Chief of Police to Endorse Bakerstown Chief of Police for Governor

Huntington Chief of Police to Endorse Bakerstown Chief of Police for Governor

Huntington’s Chief of Police has abandoned all hope of retaking Huntington. The cure promised did not work, and his attention has instead turned to endorsing the Bakerstown Chief of Police. Officials have stated that they hope to one day find a cure, and restore their former home.

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Cure in Huntington FAILS

Cure in Huntington FAILS

The alleged cure that was sent to Huntington to retake the city did nothing more than irritate the zombie hordes.

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Advertisement: Mayor Buono Is The Right Choice

Advertisement: Mayor Buono Is The Right Choice

Mayor Buono, despite being slammed from all sides by an undead menace, is attempting to cure his city and retake control. His strong leadership, along with the help of our Governor, may yet save Huntington. Kanawha needs a man who can work under pressure. Kanawha needs Mayor Buono for governor.

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Huntington being cured!

Huntington being cured!

As I write this, Huntington i sin the process of being cured! Officials from Huntington hope to retake control of the city, and return the citizens to their homes.

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Editor in Chief Runs for President!

Editor in Chief Runs for President!

I, the Editor in Chief of the Kanawha Newspaper am running for President of the United States of America! I have been dutifully representing the voice of the people during this pressing weekend, and I have been the only voice of reason amidst all of this chaos. I hope you will consider giving me your support.

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Endorsements Between Governor Crow and Chief Ruparel

Endorsements Between Governor Crow and Chief Ruparel

The current governor of Kanawha is endorsing Chief of Police from Bakerstown Shy Ruparel to take his place when he moves on to the presidency. The chief is in turn endorsing Crow’s bid for the presidency.

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State Police Issue Emergency Services to Several Cities Across the State

State Police Issue Emergency Services to Several Cities Across the State

The Chief of State Police says that emergency services have been successfully deployed in Parksburg and Bakerstown. The fall of Huntington has caused significant tax stress on the people of Kanawha, but the State Police are confident we can make it through.

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Huntington Prepares to Retake the City

Huntington Prepares to Retake the City

Officials from Huntington have told our office that they are preparing to take back their city from the zombie hordes. Only time will tell if the plan will work.

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“Now is No Time For Politics”

“Now is No Time For Politics”

Bakerstown Mayor Alex Nagler and Chief of Bakerstown police Shy Ruparel have issued a bipartisan statement that we must cross party lines and work together in this time of crisis.

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Governor Crow is Running for President!

Governor Crow is Running for President!

Governor Crow is running for president. With his 10 years of experience and a masters degree in Intelligence studies believes that he is extremely experienced in navigating . When talking about how he has dealt with this outbreak by declaring a state of emergency immediately. The second move made by the Governor was to reestablish trust and loyalty between himself and the mayors. Using extreme wit and experience for his time serving in The USMC the Governor lead himself and his cabinet to safety. In an interview the governor stated that he believes that he owes his coal mining father for teaching him all the lessons that he applies in day to day life.

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Goblins From Space?

Goblins From Space?

The Bakerstown Militia has come to us and claimed that “The entire Bakerstown Police Department is Goblins. From Space.” We do not know what this means, and we don’t think they do either.

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Bakerstown Mayor Bids for Presidency

Bakerstown Mayor Bids for Presidency

Mayor Alex Nagler of Bakerstown plans to run for president when he finishes clearing the current menace out of his beloved city. He claims that his tours in Iraq and Afghanistan give him the command experience and the credibility needed for this role.

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Governor Doesn’t Think Vice Governor is “Central Personnel”

Governor Doesn’t Think Vice Governor is “Central Personnel”

In a statement about the coup today, the Governor announced that no “central personnel” were harmed, or even in danger at any time. Dispte this, our office has heard directly from the Vice Governor that she was locked in a fierce battle with the invaders, though she managed to personally fight them off. It remains unseen whether she will run with him for reelection, or if she will back a new candidate in light of this gross oversight.

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State Savior Defeats Militia

State Savior Defeats Militia

During the attempted coup by Bakersfield militia, heroic action was taken by Vice Governor Christine Dong. While held captive by violent militia members, Dong wrestled a weapon away from her attackers and severely injured several high ranking militia members, effectively ending the coup.

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Mayor of Parkersburg calls out Kanawha Governor

Mayor of Parkersburg calls out Kanawha Governor

From Cindy Simon’s twitter: “In times of chaos, we remain steadfast in control. Wish we could say the same for our ‘Zovernor'”. It is clear that the people of Parksburg do not trust the state government. Perhaps they have something right in all of this. They seem to be the only city not overrun with the undead.

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We Don’t Care About Politics — The “Al Quaeda of Bakerstown” Speaks Out

We Don’t Care About Politics — The “Al Quaeda of Bakerstown” Speaks Out

The leaders of the recent coup in Bakerstown have spoken to us. They believe that their disassociation with politics makes them more suitable to run the state. In their attack on the State House, chaos has spread across the state. News is flooding into our office from all corners of the state, and the situation is rapidly getting out of hand.

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BREAKING NEWS: Coup in Progress

BREAKING NEWS: Coup in Progress

The Bakerstown peoples army militia is attempting to violently overthrow the state Government of Kanawha due to alleged corruption in government. The Bakerstown government condemns this action entirely. The Bakerstown mayor is currently with the state government and is in danger of capture by the militia.

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Bakerstown and State Government Mend Ties

Bakerstown and State Government Mend Ties

Officials from Bakerstown have announced that a radical group of police have spread rumors of zombification in the city’s government. The related individuals have been apprehended, and ties have been mended.

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Bakerstown Statement

Bakerstown Statement

Governor Crow plans to redact the statement that the Bakerstown mayor is compromised. It is still unclear as to whether or not the chief of police is verified to be cleared of infection, but the Mayor of Bakerstown is clear of infection by the state

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PLANES IN BAKERSTOWN

PLANES IN BAKERSTOWN

Large army planes have been landing in Bakerstown. Assistance of Bakerstown on a federal level has been escalated

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Spider-like Powers?

Spider-like Powers?

More uncredited reports of a man-spider type person have been flooding social media

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White House working with Bakerstown

White House working with Bakerstown

We have recieved reports from the National Government that they are working with research laboratories in both Parkersburg and Bakerstown to verify the effectiveness of the many competing blood tests. This certainly changes the game when it comes to the humanity status of the Governor and the officials in Bakerstown.

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Blood Tests for City Officials

Blood Tests for City Officials

Due to understandable doubts it is important that ALL city officials take public blood tests. The governor especially MUST be subject to this test publicly to ensure the safety of the citizens. A government sanctioned test must be administered to ensure accuracy.

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Vigilante Justice

Vigilante Justice

Once again, there are unverified reports about the man in the red outfit battling the infected horde. This time he has been seen exhibiting spider like qualities

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Parkersburg — Sanctuary City

Parkersburg — Sanctuary City

Parkersburg wishes to publicly welcome all citizens who can prove that they are human. Anybody fleeing the recently evacuated city of Huntington is welcome, according to Mayor Cindy Simon. Their press secretary assures us that she is doing a fantastic job.

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Huntington is Evacuating

Huntington is Evacuating

Huntington is officially overrrun and is being evacuated. Mayor Tyler Karsten has stated that he will stay to the last man before leaving. The mayor places the safety of his citizens above all else.

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Exclusive Interview with Bakerstown Officials

Exclusive Interview with Bakerstown Officials

Bakerstown Officals have broken out of City Hall, and rushed straight to the press office. They claim that they were subjected to blood tests proving that they are not infected, and say the Governor has not undergone this same test. They claim the arrest was politically motivated, and was carried out by the governor’s “personal private thugs”. The Governor claims this is NOT TRUE and that they ARE IN FACT INFECTED.

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Zombies Speak

Zombies Speak

Reports have been confirmed that infected individuals have been heard chanting “We will not pay for the wall.” It is still uncertain as to what the infected mean or what they hope to accomplish

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UPDATE: BAKERSTOWN MAYOR ARRESTED

UPDATE: BAKERSTOWN MAYOR ARRESTED

In addition to the Chief of Police, the Mayor of Bakerstown has now been arrested. Could this mean disaster? The governor has yet to release information about why this may have happened. Police forces are operating alone.

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Tainted Water?

Tainted Water?

Noah Crow, Governor of Kanawha spoke of the disease possibly spreading through the water supply. He advocates for more university funding to increase the chances of finding a cure. Seems Nutrivend is not working as well as the governor would like. Perhaps its benefits are less than Parkersburg would have us believe.

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BAKERSTOWN CHIEF OF POLICE ARRESTED

BAKERSTOWN CHIEF OF POLICE ARRESTED

The Governor of Kanawha has arrested the Chief of Police of Bakerstown. No information has been released about why this may have happened.

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God’s Judgement?

God’s Judgement?

According to one Street Preacher in Huntington, the zombies are god’s judgement. I hope that’s true so my wife’s cheating finally catches up with her. I hate you Mindy. I always have.

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National Govt. Wants Bakerstown’s Specimens

National Govt. Wants Bakerstown’s Specimens

An anonymous tip from the National Government has informed us that the National Government wants research specimens currently held in Bakerstown, but that the mayor will not give them up. Could this be a political play to strengthen his bid for president? There has certainly been a lot of conflicting and worrying news from Bakerstown this weekend.

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Nutrivend Mishap

Nutrivend Mishap

Despite the Bakerstown Mayor officially  stating that he is quite open to any shipments of Nutrivend, he has yet to receive any. The press secretary of Parkersburg has stated that Shipments are being sent to Bakerstown, but are being rejected by city officials. Nutrivend is claimed to cure the infection and cause resistance in uninfected individuals, but none has been put on the streets of Bakerstown where the infection is getting worse by the minute. There is a clear administrative failure here. If Nutrivend does what it claims to, why is bakerstown not recieving any?

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Bakerstown Chief of Police Says: “Even in these trying times, we support the first amendment right to free speech and to protest”

Bakerstown Chief of Police Says: “Even in these trying times, we support the first amendment right to free speech and to protest”

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Vigilante Savior?

Vigilante Savior?

Unverified reports of a masked man in a red outfit destroying infected hordes have been appearing across social media

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Bakerstown Chief of Police Coddling Protesters?

Bakerstown Chief of Police Coddling Protesters?

An anonymous source has informed us that the Bakerstown Chief of Police is “coddling protesters, and they turned into zombies.” The source then promptly left our office. We do not know what this means, or if it is even true, but it is our duty to inform you of everything that happens in this state.

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Encouraged To Take Up Arms

Encouraged To Take Up Arms

Mayor of Bakerstown Alex Neggler and Governor Noah Crow plan to instruct the citizens of Kanawha to take up arms against the infected menace destroying our towns. Later today, a press conference will officially send citizens out in droves to destroy the infected individuals with their own weapons and tools.

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Bakerstown Chief NOT BITTEN

Bakerstown Chief NOT BITTEN

Officials form Bakerstown have told us that earlier reports that their chielf of police, Shy Ruparel, was bitten are in fact false. He has spoken with us, and reassured us taht they are doing their “darn tootin best” to protect their citizens and share information and best practices with neighboring towns. Mr. Ruparel says his political opponents are likely behind the lies, saying the move was “immature, inappropriate, and insensitive”.

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Bakerstown Release

Bakerstown Release

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Parkersburg Fights Back

Parkersburg Fights Back

Despite a massive attack on Parkersburg, the city was well defended. Attacks ranging from level 1 to level 4 have been either eradicated or reduced to a low level attack.

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BAKERSTOWN CHIEF OF POLICE BITTEN

BAKERSTOWN CHIEF OF POLICE BITTEN

The chief of police in Bakerstown has been bitten by one of the reanimated. His current condition is yet unknown to Kanawha Press, but we will keep you informed as it develops.

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Zombies in School!

Zombies in School!

Social media has been exploding with news of “Zombies” overrunning local high schools. Mayor Alex Nagler has suggested that the teenage zombies should be dealt with by playing pop music, rather than with sending legitimate forces to control the infestation. In these pressing times, we have to hope our governments have our best interest in mind, and will do what they can to protect our children.

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Relief Fund for Infected Families

Relief Fund for Infected Families

Cindy “Sure Hand” Simon , mayor of Parkersburg, announced a relief fund for families affected by illness. Nutrivend, the company behind the reported cure, has promised to assist in this fund. “Due to the strong leaders hip of Simon, Nutrivend is prepared to support this humanitarian effort tin these challenging times.”

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Kanawha State of Emergency

Kanawha State of Emergency

Kanawha Governor Noah Crow announces that the state of kanawha is officially in a state of emergency. The governor acted fast to get ahead of the situation and emergency services appreciate the support. Citizens have been instructed to stay indoors.

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Kanawha State Fair Coming this Summer

Kanawha State Fair Coming this Summer

Kanawha loves the State Fair, and it is back, coming in August!  Eat hot dogs, corn on the cob and roasted peanuts!  Enjoy the ferris wheel and the giant slide!

 

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