Archive For The “Iliniwek” Category

Zombies are still registered voters

Zombies are still registered voters

The mutated intelligent  Zombies of Iliniwek are still registered voters and as such they cannot be refused access to the ballot box in what is turning out to be the remarkable election in history.

The largest block still able to vote

****Stop Press Corporal Ray Winsor (Ombie) is standing for Rockford Mayor***

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Editor in Chief Runs for President!

Editor in Chief Runs for President!

I, the Editor in Chief of the Kanawha Newspaper am running for President of the United States of America! I have been dutifully representing the voice of the people during this pressing weekend, and I have been the only voice of reason amidst all of this chaos. I hope you will consider giving me your support.

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BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS

THE STATE GOVENER IS GOING INTO RETIREMENT

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voting

voting

voting is getting heated people are becoming more and more corrupt they are showing theire true colours make sure you vote for who you want to be in power

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Real estate prices set to crash

Real estate prices set to crash

Financial planning advisor are warning that property prices are set to crash as zombification has upset demand for new homes. “It really will be a buyers market out there, with only the most secure cabins in the woods holding their value.”  said  Analyst Rudy Crispini.

The new economy is expected to be dominated by localised barter systems. “Sales of size C batterys have been incredible” said Ash Williams, Retail clerk at S-mart.

Secluded

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springfield

springfield

springfield holds firm says cheif of police who is pointing a gun to my head

please remain calm and dont panic its all under controll

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Word from

Word from

We have had word from Ben, he advises stay indoors and hold up, and God willing we will supping sundowners by Thursday

Ben Hanser taking the fight to the enemy

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Zombies 101

Zombies 101

Our state troopers are having success engaging with the hordes only when they can contain them first. This should be tactic our troops need to deploy

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The State of Iliniwek

The State of Iliniwek

Springfield and Joliet are bouncing back, with Spring field and Rockford offering aid to Aurora.

Aurora is losing confidence in its City police, where as confidence in our State troopers remains strong.

Embattled  Rockford is doing its best under difficult circumstances

Halperin’s Mayor is again making healthcare of it’s citizens its main goal

The national guard are offering no quarter to the scourge.

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mayor of Rockford for govenor

mayor of Rockford for govenor

the Mayor of Rockford is running for govenor and he is taking and persuesding people to give him as many votes and as much money as he can.

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Govenor refutes accusations of political gamesmanship

Govenor refutes accusations of political gamesmanship

The govenor has accused Joliet’s Mayor of political gameplaying, and (not megagame playing Rockford – I’m looking at you), and is on the record denying links to Necrotec.

Ben, where-ever you are contact your drinking buddies at

ili-press@unsoc.net

we need you.

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Aurora the truth

Aurora the truth

Aurora is going down i repeat Aurora is in trouble The Zomies have compleatly infested the whole west side of the country and the eatside is just hanging on by a thread what will they do now what will the Govener do now?

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Link found between Iliniwek govener and Necrotech

Link found between Iliniwek govener and Necrotech

We have managed to decrypt the cloud drive of investigative journalist Ben Hanser, we can reveal he was investigating links between Guv’nor Jim’s campaign funds and the Multinational Necrotec,

This journalist would like to see the FBI follow this up.

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Helperin Mayor trapped!!!!

Helperin Mayor trapped!!!!

The Helperin Mayor is Trapped by ZOMBIES !! Rescue is immenent

Will she come out of this alive????

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Too many Governors! Head of State Police, Mayors of Rockford running

Too many Governors! Head of State Police, Mayors of Rockford running

In the wake of ‘The Zombie Crisis’ the mayor of Rockford and the Head of State have thrown their hats into the ring in the fight for the governors office. Whilst this reporter believes that real fight is in the streets the political battle has well and truly begun. The HoSP has the full and unequivocal backing of the mayor of Springfield, possibly the only mayor to deal with this crisis quickly and efficiently.

 

Meanwhile ‘Lying’ Jim Gillie has been quoted as saying ‘IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD FOR YOUR FAMILIES’

Image result for mayor quimby

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No Confidence in ‘Honest’ Jim says White House

No Confidence in ‘Honest’ Jim says White House

A source close to the White House expressed a chronic lack of confidence in ‘Governor’ Jim Gillie tonight due to his political posturing in the face of widespread panic. For more see our updated hatchet job blog on pages 3, 4, 5, 6 9, 20 and our pullout section

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Head of Emergency Services flees Aurora as State of Emergency declared

Head of Emergency Services flees Aurora as State of Emergency declared

The HoES of Aurora was seen fleeing the city at high speed moments before the mayor declared an official State of Emergency. The local Badger News office in Aurora reports that ‘zombie-like groups’ have started siegeing the building and that law and order has collapsed.

The news of the fleeing official came ironically at the same time the governors office released a statement urging people not to speed. Meanwhile the Halperin Chief of Emergency Services has stated that ‘This country has more guns than people. We’re not worried’ before shooting his pistols wildly into the air and dancing a jig.

Image result for texan simpsons

 

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Zombies in Ilinewek claims Joliet Mayor!

Zombies in Ilinewek claims Joliet Mayor!

Mayor van Hoone of Joilet has astonishly announced that the state of Ilinewek is under threat from a number of what can only be described as ZOMBIES! This incredible announcement has been made ‘in the name of transparency’ and went on to say that several police officers have died combating the zombie threat. The mayor believes the only real way to fight this threat is to pool resources both military and emergency services, and offered his city as a staging ground for the ‘fight for survival’.

An aide to the mayor claimed that ‘they came from Halperin’ and that the governor’s office had been ‘completely unresponsive’ to this dire threat.

 

Image result for massive handlebar moustache mayor

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Governor Jim ‘What Riots?’

Governor Jim ‘What Riots?’

‘Honest’ Jim Gillie has shocked voters by denying reports of any rioting in the state of Ilinewek tonight. In a press release circulated moments ago he claimed ‘The people of Ilinewek can rest assured is working hard to make sure your lives continue.’ We are as yet unsure as to the underlying message of these seemingly harrowing words but it seems clear that at state level the governorship has no idea what is going on.

Image result for arsene wenger angry

 

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Civil Unrest in Ilinewek

Civil Unrest in Ilinewek

Pranksters dressed as masked clowns are causing panic in Ilinewek tonight. Early reports include several fires erupting around the city and police have been sent in to quell the revellers. The Mayor of Halperin when asked for comment stated ‘A few officers have been injured. The rioters are wearing disguises as to not be identified by CCTV.’

State police sour

 

Image result for clowns rioting

 

 

 

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Trustworthy Jim Gillie

Trustworthy Jim Gillie

Governor Jim Gillie today announced a new ‘State Emergency Response Plan’ that aims to unsure the state of Ilinewek is fully prepared in case of ‘another uprising by those damn liberals’. Furthermore he announced a huge increase in state funding to the fire and police departments as well as on public health. ‘A healthy voter is a happy voter’, he stated and went on to say ‘they’re also happier when they are neither on fire or being mugged’

 

Image result for arnie governor

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Springfield, Joliet – More Money for Education, Public Services

Springfield, Joliet – More Money for Education, Public Services

During a recent interview the mayor’s offices of Springfield and Joliet laid out their plans for public spending during the next fiscal quarter. A spokesman for the Joilet’s mayor’s office praised the ‘patriots in blue and the men and women of the fire service’ and promised extra funding their way. Meanwhile the mayor of Springfield stated that nothing was more important than education and said ‘The brains of our young folk should be nourished to provide for a better future for all residents of Ilinewek’.

 

Image result for fire brigade americaImage result for american school children

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Joliet Mayor ‘Who was Abraham Lincoln?’

Joliet Mayor ‘Who was Abraham Lincoln?’

Confusion abounds as a representiative of the Joilet mayor’s office seems unaware of the 16th president of these United States.

 

More to follow…

Image result for abraham lincoln

 

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Journalist goes missing

Journalist goes missing

Ben Harser, calm and resourceful

Ben Harser, our Pullitzer prize winning journalist has been officially

declared missing by police. Ben, who broke the story about trafficking last year identifying links between big corporations Ouiscconsin and gangs in Mishigamaa, is not short of enemies. Police reassure us that they are talking to several persons of interest.

Nicolas Hooks has been seconded from the sports desk to cover.

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