Archive For The “Ahao” Category

Chief of State Police extorts votes!

Chief of State Police extorts votes!

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- News has come to light from the Dayton PD chief of operations, Alex Sanne, that Andrew Easton, chief of the state police of Ahao, has been holding influential citizens families hostage in order to garner votes towards his re-election. We are calling for an immediate investigation into this situation and if necessary for his election to be annulled.

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Voter suppression in Ahao

Voter suppression in Ahao

AHAO: I can confirm that no differently animated citizens have been allowed to vote in Ahao. This is blatant voter suppression. The 15th Amendment clearly states that the right to vote cannot be denied for race or color. This is also clearly discrimination against Americans with disabilities. A differently animated source in Dayton confirmed this and said it was clear discrimination against the undead.

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A-Holes on Fire

A-Holes on Fire

DAYTON, AHAO:- The offices used by the governor and his staff in Dayton, reported to be on fire. No reports of him leaving could it be that our esteemed governor is battling through fire and flame to escape? City EMS say that what units can be spared from other more important fires shall be sent to the blaze as soon as they become avilable.

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Pentagon praises Toledo

Pentagon praises Toledo

DAYTON, AH:  Pentagon officials have said that the performance of Toledo’s emergency services are “admirable” when compared with those in other states.

The city has suffered no casualties among emergency personnel since the crisis began, and has hospital beds currently empty. One in three police officers have been slain, however.

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Breaking News: Ahao State Police recommends city wide evacuation

Breaking News: Ahao State Police recommends city wide evacuation

The Head and Deputy Head of State Police have stated that they are recommending a complete evacuation of all the cities in the state. They say that the remainder of the state is safe and free of infestation, and they are bringing bottled water in to stop the spread of infection. They stress they have 100% efficiency when it comes to dealing with outbreaks of the virus outside of city limits.

Badger News wonders what the Governor thinks of this plan?

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Voters go to polls across Ahao.

Voters go to polls across Ahao.

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- With the Zombie menace still threatening the state, voters have gone to the polls in city and statewide elections. The early indications in the Gubernatorial race show the current Mayor of Cleveland, Lucinda Quinn is likely to be our next governor.

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Ad: Kleveland Kremes –

Ad: Kleveland Kremes –

Donut worry, sugary treats are the yeast of your problems now

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Editor in Chief Runs for President!

Editor in Chief Runs for President!

I, the Editor in Chief of the Kanawha Newspaper am running for President of the United States of America! I have been dutifully representing the voice of the people during this pressing weekend, and I have been the only voice of reason amidst all of this chaos. I hope you will consider giving me your support.

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A-Whole: We’re both a-holes, get your facts right!

A-Whole: We’re both a-holes, get your facts right!

Governor Hollman would like to clarify, contrary to earlier reports, that he and Governor Osa do not, in fact, cross party lines – they are both dyed-in-the-wool Republicans

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Big Pharma, Big Prices – A cure – but at what cost?

Big Pharma, Big Prices – A cure – but at what cost?

The white-house liaison has confirmed that corporations in other states have been asking for zombie samples, but that they are offering nothing in return. She stated her worries about the price of any cure, that it may be vastly inflated. She also confirmed there was no governmental research going on, that the only research was the pharma corporations, so it seems that people will literally have no choice but to pay whatever the companies are asking for.

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Rob Returns to Reinforce

Rob Returns to Reinforce

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AH:  Chief of Police Rob Pate made a triumphant return to the city today, delivering a helicopter to airlift injured citizens to the city’s hospital.

Reports that the helicopter had Cleveland EMS livery despite coming in from Fresno were dismissed by the Head of Police Operations

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Fresnadillo Mayor rescinds help to Cleveland

Fresnadillo Mayor rescinds help to Cleveland

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- Reports are coming in that in a blatently partisan move the Democratic Mayor of Fresnadillo has pulled out all of the forces helping battle the hordes in Republican controlled Cleveland. Sources in the mayorial office say this is to save face within the Democratic party.

This is in spite of the fact that Federal troops have arrived in Fresnadillo to help fight the horde there and slow progress is being made against the attack from the north.

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Cleveland call for State-wide Cure Cooperation

Cleveland call for State-wide Cure Cooperation

The Mayor of Cleveland has issued a statement that they have found a a pathogen in a dead zombie “Pittorovirus Sibericum B Sample” and are calling for state-wide cooperation in order to move forward and find a cure, especially in light of the news about Big Pharma not sharing any cure expect at vastly inflated prices.

It seems like Ahao is on its own as Dayton quoted the White-House Liaison as saying “We do not want to help”.

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A-Whole Backs An Osa

A-Whole Backs An Osa

Governor Hollman today announced that he has crossed party lines to stand with Governor Osa as Veep in her bid to become the Democratic nominee for President.

 

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Police Chief Nominations

Police Chief Nominations

Below is a list of candidates for the upcoming Election for Police Chief.

  • Alex from Dayton. Nominated by Dayton City Mayor
  • Andrew Easten, current Chief of State Police. Nominated by Deputy Chief of State Police

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Governor Nominations

Governor Nominations

Below is a list of candidates for the upcoming Election for State Govenor.

  • Lucy from Cleveland. Republican. Nominated by Holly and Josh
  • Georgia from Fresnadillo.  Democrat. Nominated by Andy and Daniel
  • Holly from Dayton. Democrat. Nominated by Alex and Chris
  • Alasdair, Lieutenant Governor. Republican. Nominated by James and Peter
  • Kype from Cincinatti. Republican. Nominated by Dan and Seumas

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Safe zone in Fresnadillo under threat

Safe zone in Fresnadillo under threat

FRESNADILLO, AHAO: The safe zone in Fresnadillo is under threat as much needed supplies are stuck in zombie-infested Cleveland. The mayor said that without this support it would be ‘unlikely’ that the safe zone would be constructed in time, as the police were severely stretched and would not be able to patrol the wall. They have decline an offer of an Air-strike from the Pentagon as they do not want to risk human life.

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STATE GOVERNOR TO UNDERGO INVESTIGATION

STATE GOVERNOR TO UNDERGO INVESTIGATION

The Mayor of Fresnadillo has decided to launch an investigation into the State Governor, supported by heads of Cincinatti. This is due to widespread rumours of corruption, and the previously reported rumoured assassination plot.

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Romero, Romero – Wherefore Art Though, Romero?

Romero, Romero – Wherefore Art Though, Romero?

ROMERO CITY, MI: Officials complain that current governor is in talks with corporations, and refusing to discuss the crisis with mayors. “Just because I declare myself the queen doesn’t mean it’s going to happen”, she said, referring to the Romero City Mayor’s statement declaring himself Interim Governor.

Mishigamaa state officials declare they have put out an arrest warrant for Romero City’s Mayor in response.

Let us hope that this disruption does not lead to increased spill-over from our neighbours.

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State Fortress in Findlay

State Fortress in Findlay

FINDLAY, AHAO: We have been told of a ‘ring of steel’ being erected around Findlay, large numbers of police and a helicopter have been sighted inside the compound, and we have good evidence that they have been evacuating families of state officials into the compound.

We have also received information that the State police are investigating the Mayor of Fresnadillo, is this evidence an issue with her or just further evidence of state resources being used by the governor for his own purposes.

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Donut Factory Saved

Donut Factory Saved

FORTRESS CLEVELAND. AHAO:- The long running battle over the Cleveland city donut factory has finally ended, the so called “invincible” horde has been defeated by a combination of Ahao National Guard, US Army and state police forces. The addition of artillery has final brought the battle to an end. A spokesman for the Cleveland City mayor has stated they hope to have the factory up and running as soon as possible.

In other news the BNC offices in Cleveland seem to attracted a group of zombies, we continue to report for as long as we can and can only put our faith in the heroic defenders of the city to come to our rescue.

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State Governor Denies Cinncinatti Conspiracy

State Governor Denies Cinncinatti Conspiracy

Ahao State Governor, Mickey Hollman, has stated he has nothing to do with the previously reported on plot to assassinate the Mayor of Cincinatti, saying there is no-one in his office with the name of the person the leak supposedly came from. He stresses he is utterly against this kind of thing.

Badger News will keep digging.

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BREAKING: MASS PANIC SPREADS ACROSS STATES

BREAKING: MASS PANIC SPREADS ACROSS STATES

Widespread chaos and panic has reportedly taken hold across the states of Adirondack and Mishigamaa, according to Badger sources on the ground.

And they said moving to Adaho was a mistake!

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Creep of Police

Creep of Police

FRESNADILLO, AH: Recently-reinstated Fresno Chief of Police Tomlinson refused to provide any explanation today for his indictment, citing concerns around “national security”.

An anonymous tip from within the Police Department alleged that the accusations (now retracted by the officers involved) were part of an attempted coup against the Chief by two of his captains. However, municipal and federal sources believe that questions may remain to be answered around the Chief’s links to Necrotech.

Mayor Georgia has made a firm commitment to get to the bottom of the matter.

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A-Hole Drops Out

A-Hole Drops Out

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- News coming in the Governor of Ahao, Mickey Hollman has declared that he is no longer seeking election to political office. The Governor who has been mired in allegations of corruption, including allegations of an attempted coup against the mayor of Cincinatti. He has been roundly criticised for his continuing mismanagement of the zombie crisis. It is the opinion of this paper that he is not fit to be a hall monitor never mind president of this great nation.

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Georgia For Ahao?

Georgia For Ahao?

Fresnadillo’s Mayor Georgia today announced her candidacy for the position of State Governor. The Democratic darling is running on a platform of “Security, services, support.” A spokesman said “we care about you“.

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No progress towards a cure in Ahao

No progress towards a cure in Ahao

Rumors are rife in Toledo that Dayton have developed a cure and are not sharing it. Dayton strongly deny this, they are doing everything they can to assist in research towards a cure, however research is ongoing and the mayor guaranteed that any cure would be shared state-wide and wanted to re-iterate as the only city not yet to declare a state of emergency, that they are the safest place in the state, especially considering they have introduced an additive to the water to combat the disease.

The chief of emergency services of Fresnadillo stated that “There is no progress as the university is full of thick people”

Cleveland stated that there is “good evidence” that the Cleveland Creme Donut makes a difference in prevention, meanwhile Cincinatti have passed on all information regarding the disease.

The statement from Homeland Security was less hopeful for the great state of Ahao, as they stated all cure research was being done by Corporations, of which, Ahao have none.

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CINCINATTI MAYOR THREATENED

CINCINATTI MAYOR THREATENED

Badger News have discovered huge corruption in state government. We can reveal that the State Governor has tried to have the City Mayor of Cincinatti assassinated by attempting the enlist the support of the Chief of Police, who bravely reported this to Badger. Cincinatti Heads have complained that they have been abandoned by the State, despite the bravery of the police. These shady dealings must be stopped!

Above- secret messages from the lietenant governor to the cincinatti chief of police

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Statement from Governors office on Theocracy

Statement from Governors office on Theocracy

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- Governor Hollman has issued this statement,

“The “church” of the rigtheous is a cult instigated by the Mayor of Cincinati to dupe the peeople of Cincinati into following false prophets and cover up the Cities Mayors incompetence and baltant disregard for the Lives of Ahao citizens.”

we are now forced to wonder if the spelling errors are indicative of neurological degeneration perhaps due to Z virus infection.

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Mayor of Cleveland’s family kidnapped

Mayor of Cleveland’s family kidnapped

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- A source close to the Mayor of Cleveland, Lucinda Quinn, has reported that her family has been kidnapped and held against their will by forces loyal to the City’s Chief of Police, Rob Pate, and the Deputy head of the Ahao State Troopers, Drew Gotobed. This is surmised to be in an effort to increase the power of the Chief of Police over the city and to use this crisis to undermine and ultimately destroy democracy.

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Fresnadill-uh-oh

Fresnadill-uh-oh

We at Badger HQ hear rumours that the Mayor of our state capital is working with Necrotech “against the state”. Keep your minds open, people – who knows whether the state or the Big Pharma guys have our best interests at heart?

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Situation escalating in Dayton?

Situation escalating in Dayton?

DAYTON, AHAO: Widespread reports of looting in Dayton are being met in with a statement that it is not necessary. Bottled water is being distributed at fortified buildings.

The white house have threatened to commit an unauthorized action into the city. Dayton have not declared a stated of emergency and so any such action would be attack on the Third Amendment.

However, the mayor has been involved with capture of a zombie citizen, which is a clear violation of the the Sixth and Seventh amendments, and they are boasting about experimentation on this “level 2”.

Dayton are issuing press releases stating they are the safest place in Ahao, but be very careful, if you are sick, Dayton is not a place you will be treated fairly.

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Special Forces deployed to Cleveland

Special Forces deployed to Cleveland

FORTRESS CLEVELAND, AHAO:- We have eye witness reports of special forces units in UH60 Blackhawk helecopters have been deployed to eastern Cleveland to tackle Zombies behind the police cordon. Fighting can be heard across the city amid the heroic struggle of the defenders against the animated corpses of their former family, friends and neighbours.

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A-Whole A-Theist

A-Whole A-Theist

According to a source from the Church of the Righteous in Cincinnatti, Governor Hollman has refused to join the Chief theologist in prayer for the beleaguered citizens of Cincinnatti and Cleveland

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Fresnadillo Chief of Police Indicted

Fresnadillo Chief of Police Indicted

The Fresnadillo Chief of Police has been indicted due to an obstruction of a Federal investigation. Federal authorities took this action as a result of an investigation at Necrotech into irregular funding. Any rumours including the mayor’s involvement must be disregarded as ficticious at this stage.

State Chief of Police Andy Eastern wishes to reassure the population that the investigation will proceed quickly and results will be reported via the press office as soon as they become avaliable. As the investigations are ongoing, the Police Captain, Andy Covell will assume control.

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Many A Cross Word Is Taken In Stress

Many A Cross Word Is Taken In Stress

Looking for a distraction from the chaos?

Want something suitable for a fortified bunker?

Why not give the Badger Crypt-ic Crossword a spin?

It’s available online: http://crossword.info/oddtwang/Cryptic and to download as a PDF: http://tinyurl.com/unsoc-cw

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“Don’t drink the water” Ahao State Governor warns

“Don’t drink the water” Ahao State Governor warns

The Ahao State Governor has cautioned all citizens that the zombie virus is spread by water, and has issued a warning that only bottled water is safe. He has promised a shipment of bottled water to the state.

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Fresnadillo Mayor doing human experiments on infected?

Fresnadillo Mayor doing human experiments on infected?

FRESNADILLO, AHAO: The mayor of Fresnadillo has advised they are accepting ‘selected’ infected from other cities. The mayor reported that “Research is going well at the university”, but declared a state of emergency in order to get federal support in creating a safe zone.

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Situation Update Cleveland

Situation Update Cleveland

CLEVELAND, AHAO:- The Mayor of Cleveland has issued a statement today regarding the attack upon the city. The Hordes are contained within the eastern half of the city and police forces have instituted a cordon to contain the shambling undead, this along with USAF airstrikes have blunted the advance. Mercy hospital, despite being in the west of the city, remains a lone outpost surrounded by the cities former residents. We continue to report from our offices here and shall do so for as long as possible.

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Dayton Fire Department Saving The Day

Dayton Fire Department Saving The Day

Dayton Fire Department have been working double shifts to support their neighbours in Fresnadillo. These heroes must be recognised!

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Toledo situation “comparatively normal”

Toledo situation “comparatively normal”

Toledo Mayor Rob has praised the efforts of the local PD in keeping a lid on the outbreaks, announcing additional funding “to further reassure the people of Toledo”

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Fresnadillo “Armadillo” Safe Zone Under Construction

Fresnadillo “Armadillo” Safe Zone Under Construction

Local government in Fresnadillo has contained infection to the west side of the city. Drawing inspiration from the city’s mascot Arnie the Armadillo, plans are underway to use municipal and federal funding to construct a sealed safe zone in the city. Exactly how the construction of this wall will be paid for remains to be seen.

Meanwhile, research into the causes of the infection continue at the city’s university within the prospective zone, which is being fortified by local police.

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Ahao State Police “Heroes”

Ahao State Police “Heroes”

Ahao State Police have been describes as “heroes” due to their diligent protection of small towns in the area. The boys in blue have been performing admirably during these trying times.

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State of Ahao vastly unprepared for scale of disaster

State of Ahao vastly unprepared for scale of disaster

After declaring a statewide emergency, and asking for citizens guns and ammo, they have issued a statement saying

“I wholeheartedly affirm my support for our citizens’ second amendment rights. It should be a source of pride that armed citizens are able to support police in this way, and I would encourage our brave, responsible armed citizens to help defend the most vulnerable in our communities.” – Deputy Governor Rutherford

We have not heard directly from the governor in some time and the state police have just tried to bribe Badger to give them positive press.

Meanwhile, we have mobile phone footage of the Air force sending in F16s and bombing both Cleveland and Cincinatti.

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Mass Panic in Cleveland

Mass Panic in Cleveland

CLEVELAND, AHAO:- Reports are coming in of mass panic in Cleveland as waves of zombies have overrun much of the east of the city. Civilian casualties are likely and heavy losses are reported amongst the cities defenders as both CPD and Ahao State troopers have taken casualties. The BNC offices are in the west of the city and we shall continue reporting here for as long as we can.

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Rutherford Losing Grip

Rutherford Losing Grip
Deputy Governor Rutherford called on citizens to “help defend the most vulnerable in our communities” today, indicating that the state’s official efforts are insufficient to do the job?

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“Holy War” in Cincinatti- Theocracy Rules

“Holy War” in Cincinatti- Theocracy Rules

The “City of Cin” has declared a Holy War against the zombies, and citizens are marshalling at churches.

Prayers are being broadcast on the radio, and a “Chief Theologist for the Righteous”.

The Chief Theologist states that he is “praying for the righteous” and that he knows that God is faithful to his promises. He is praying for blessing.

 

 

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What’s In Those Packages?

What’s In Those Packages?

As Governor A-Whole announces distribution of “assistance” to cities in the state, it’s hard not to wonder exactly what those packages really contain. Keep safe, citizens.

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A-Whole demands closure of “secret” lab in Mishigamaa

A-Whole demands closure of “secret” lab in Mishigamaa

Is Governor Hollman worried that research being undertaken in Mishigamaa could lead to a cure for the infection too soon, impacting his true plans to take advantage of the situation?

Deputy Governor Rutherford released a statement today which can be read to back up the theory, suggesting that the plot may involve more than just our “fine” Governor: “Under our strong leadership this sort of dangerous experimentation would not be permitted.”

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Update on Cities- Ahao

Update on Cities- Ahao

Toledo

  • Lowest panic in all cities
  • No state of emergency declared
  • Several fires
  • Widespread infection
  • Casualties reported
  • Chief of police wounded

Dayton

  • State of emergency not declared
  • Not supporting neighbours
  • Live specimen caught
  • Casualties reported

Cincinatti

  • State of emergency declared
  • Badger News HQ Abandon
  • Widespread panic
  • Multiple fires
  • “Lost control”
  • “Plenty” of casualties

Fresno

  • State of emergency not declared- “boys in blue left to fight alone”
  • West of city safe
  • Accepting refugees from neighbours
  • Fires and Looting
  • Hospitals fine

Cleveland

  • State of emergency declared
  • No fires
  • Widespread infection
  • 3 casualties
  • Cure being researched

 

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BREAKING: Attack on Second Amendment Rights in Findlay

BREAKING: Attack on Second Amendment Rights in Findlay

FINDLAY, AHAO: We have multiple reports of state police knocking on doors asking if anyone has any guns and that the state governor has requested local citizens donate ammo to police. This is a blatant attack on second amendment rights.

We have been told that in Cleveland the police are using helicopters to shoot down hordes.

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For The Whole Of America… except Cincinnatti?

For The Whole Of America… except Cincinnatti?

Do Governor Hollman’s actions during the crisis indicate a lack of concern for Ahao’s second city?

By hesitating to act decisively in declaring a state-wide State of Emergency, has Governor Hollman endangered the lives of citizens? Or worse?

A senior source within Cincinnatti PD believes that the lack of state and national resources deployed in the city is part of a deliberate plan involving the Governor to harm Mayor Raymond, Hollman’s main political opponent in Ahao.

As I write this, news reaches me that the governor’s office is instructing citizens to drink only bottled water supplied by the National Guard. Does this, perhaps, form part of a sinister plot to influence the citizens of this fine state – this fine country – by nefarious means?  Couple this with the seizing of ammunition and erosion of Second Amendment rights and the picture of opportunism and power grabs by the elected officials in whom we have placed our trust becomes extremely compelling.

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Corruption in City Hall.

Corruption in City Hall.

FRESNADILLO UNIVERSITY, AHAO:- This reporter has the misfortune to report that the Mayor of Cincinatti, Kyle Raymond has just attempted to bribe a member of Badger News Corporation staff in order to influence our coverage of his office. Once again we at BNC Ahao would like to tell our readers our editorial control is our own. We call for an investigate into the Mayor to begin as soon as is practicable after the current crisis has been resolved.

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BREAKING: Spokesman: “Drink bottled water”

BREAKING: Spokesman: “Drink bottled water”

A government spokesperson has instructed citizens to drink only bottled water which is being distributed by the National Guard, stating that “the virus is water-borne”

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Joint task force set up in Dayton

Joint task force set up in Dayton

DAYTON, AHAO: In a combined effort to deal with the “Complex Situations” the police and emergency services have created a joint task force.

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Reports of Zombie Horde movements nationally.

Reports of Zombie Horde movements nationally.

FRESNADILLO UNIVERSITY, AHAO:- BREAKING Reports are coming in of hordes of zombies moving across the nation. One group is marching on Washington DC from the direction of Charlotteville. Other reports show that Richmond is under attack and the Doyle City, Wabash has fallen to the horde.

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Fresnadillo Heads complain of “Unfair Treatment”

Fresnadillo Heads complain of “Unfair Treatment”

The goverment of Fresnadillo has called for fairer treatment in regards to distribution of resources. State Government has stated that that only cities that have declared a state of emergency will recieve National Guard support.

Fresnadillo has also stated that refugees from other cities are still welcome to shelter in the safe haven of the west of the city.

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Cincinnatti Mayor: “I’m Sick”

Cincinnatti Mayor: “I’m Sick”

As he declared a city-wide State of Emergency, was the Mayor also declaring that he personally has become infected?

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States of Emergency Declared in Cleveland and Cincinatti.

States of Emergency Declared in Cleveland and Cincinatti.

FRESNADILLO UNIVERSITY, AHAO:- States of emergency have been declared in the cities of Cleveland and Cincinatti. Advice to citizens is to shelter in place and to not contact emergency services unless in a life threatening situation.

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BREAKING: State of Emergency declared across the state

BREAKING: State of Emergency declared across the state

Governor Hollman has declared a state-wide State of Emergency, after local officials did similar in Cincinnatti and Cleveland.

The Governor has already called in the National Guard to support local law enforcement in “suppressing insurgents”.

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Breaking: Fresnadillo Mayor orders extrajudicial imprisonment of citizen

Breaking: Fresnadillo Mayor orders extrajudicial imprisonment of citizen

The mayor of Fresndaillo has reportedly issued an order to “capture” a citizen, in order to force them to “liase” with the CDC in Atlanta. A spokesman indicated that the order had already been carried out, demonstrating a gross violation of due process in America’s heartland.

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Director of Homeland Security “Does not need warrant to act upon American Citizens”

Director of Homeland Security “Does not need warrant to act upon American Citizens”

CINCINATTI, AHAO: The Mayor of Cincinatti has told Badger that the Director of Homeland security has said he does not need a warrant to act upon American Citizens.

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Is Law and Order breaking down in Fresnadillo?

Is Law and Order breaking down in Fresnadillo?

Amid rumours that Fresnadillo’s trigger-happy Chief of Police is calling for the formation of a citizens’ militia, local Chief of Emergency Services Daniel Burkle (speaking as fire officers dealt with a blaze threatening Badger’s local headquarters) slammed the plans as “incredibly ill-advised” and said that he trusts they will not be “officially implemented”.

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ZOMBIE CURE BREAKTHROUGH

ZOMBIE CURE BREAKTHROUGH

There has been a breakthrough in research for a cure for the zombies currently overrunning the country.

Scientists there have discovered the prescence of Pithovirus Sibericum B in one of the corpses. Research will continue.

The Mayor says that the situation is currently under control, and that Cleveland is “proud to lead the way in scientific research”.

There are rumours of other cures being developed, including Fresnadillo claming a working relationship with Neurotech to combat the outbreak.

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Dayton emergency services sent medical staff to CDC

Dayton emergency services sent medical staff to CDC

DAYTON, AHAO: The chief of emergency services advised that Medical staff have been sent to the CDC to help investigation of the infestation. He requests that all doctors and nurses report to Mercy Hospital as, while there are still beds available, it is filling up fast.

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Hollman, A-hole of America

Hollman, A-hole of America

Editorial

FRESNADILLO, AHAO:- The Governor of Ahao has continued to campaign for presidential office as part of the republican primary process despite the ongoing disturbances in the state. including photo opportunities and the following statement released by his deputy.

“Republicans across Ahao have been uniting behind Governor Hollman as republican presidential nominee.  Our respected colleague, the Mayor of Cincinatti, has also announced his political ambitions. I have great respect for the Mayor of Cincinatti, and am sure that he will one day make a fine presidential candidate. Given the developing events it is important that citizens across the State work together, and support the fine work that our current Governor is doing.”

This news outlet is calling for an immediate cessation of all campaigning for presidential, gubernatorial and mayoral in order to allow state and city officials to effectively deal with the crisis.

 

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Hollman – “I’m running for President”

Hollman – “I’m running for President”

FRESNADILLO, AH: Long-serving State Governor Hollman today officially announced what we’ve all suspected for a while – he’s been maneuvering to launch a bid for the Presidency.

Announcing his candidacy for the Republican nomination, the Governor unveiled his slogan; “Hollman – For The Whole of America”.

Hollman is claiming cross-party support for his centrist position, citing the Democrat Toledo Chief of Police as a backer. Speaking to me earlier from outside a hospital in the city, the Chief said he was “prepared to draw his weapon, if necessary”.

Pledging her support for the governor, Cleveland’s Mayor also announced that she would seek the gubernatorial role should he be successful in obtaining the nomination.

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Situation in Fresnadillo Escalates and recovers.

Situation in Fresnadillo Escalates and recovers.

FRESNADILLO, AHAO:- The Mayor of Fresnadillo, Georgia Hallstead has announced a doubling of police shifts and the has called for aid from the state police. This comes amid calls from the cities chief of police that she to call the national guard for help. Off-duty personnel and retirees have been swelling the ranks of the FPD. The Chief of Police has repeatedly called upon citizens to arm themselves in order to aid in restoring order. This approach seems to be working, with the east of the city reported by a police source as “clear and calm” and in the west a local high school secured as a safe zone. The mayor has also opened the city to citizens from other areas of the state should they require refuge.

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Governor converses with White House.

Governor converses with White House.

FRESNADILLO, AHAO:- Reports from the governors office have been sent to us along with this image of him informing the president of the situation in the state. No word on a federal response.

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Lithgow: “I’m prepared to spend money to gain votes”

Lithgow: “I’m prepared to spend money to gain votes”

Toledo Emergency Services Chief and candidate for GOP nomination Dale Lithgow appeared today to intimate that he was prepared to issue bribes in order to advance his political bid.

In a statement, he also dismissed earlier reports of his neglection of duty as “false news, spread by a mob from Dayton”.

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CONFIRMED- ZOMBIES IN TOLEDO- CHIEF OF POLICE LYING

CONFIRMED- ZOMBIES IN TOLEDO- CHIEF OF POLICE LYING

A source from inside the Toledo Government has told Badger News that previous reports of ‘civil unrest’ are in fact zombie hordes. The Chief of Police, Daniel, is refusing to confirm this, and is continuing to lie to citizens.

There is now a struggle for power, with local man, Fergus, stating that he will stand for election for Chief of Police as a “capable and honest” candidate.

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Multiple reports of police chiefs using police as own personal army

Multiple reports of police chiefs using police as own personal army

FRESNODSAILLO and TOLEDO, AHAO: Multiple reports of police chiefs using the police to protect their own homes. A source told us that Fergus Hadley of Toledo is misappropriating police resources as his own private protection squad, similar reports have been heard about the police chief in Fresnadillo.

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“You Know I’m Right” – but is the timing?

“You Know I’m Right” – but is the timing?

TOLEDO, AH:  Toledo Chief of Emergency Services took an opportunity this afternoon at a press briefing to announce his candidacy for the GOP Presidential nomination.

Running under the slogan “You Know I’m Right”, he appeared to neglect his duties in an effort to further his political career.

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Hero “Politician” Saves Doctor.

Hero “Politician” Saves Doctor.

TOLEDO, AHAO:- A hospital in Toledo was reportedly attacked by a mob of Daytonians as part of ongoing state wide disturbances. The cities chief of emergency services and republican presidential primary candidate, Dale Lythgow, personally saved a  doctor from the site and held off the mob, and reports that the hospital is still running at capacity.

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White house tries to stifle press freedom

White house tries to stifle press freedom

FRESNADILLO, AHAO:- A representative of the white house administration visited the Badger News Ahao offices today and advised us as to what language we should use whilst reporting on the current disturbances across the state and nation. We at the BNC Ahao office would like to tell our readers that we are under our own editorial control and we regard this as an attack on our first amendment rights.

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Hollman holds out hands

Hollman holds out hands

FRESNADILLO, AH:  Governor Hollman was at pains today to make clear his support for the city of Cleveland and of the Fresnadillo PD.

The Governor has also opened his mansion to offer catering and support to people displaced by events in the city.

 

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Mayor of Fresnadillo minimizes talk of unrest as situation becomes critical

Mayor of Fresnadillo minimizes talk of unrest as situation becomes critical

FRESNADILLO, AHAO: Georgia Halstead, Mayor of Fresnadillo has launched her campaign for Democratic President amid the unrest in her City. She talked of a tough stance on the “unruly citizens”, at the same time saying that things we just a “bit unsettled”, but said extra funding had been given by the governor to help with the situation. Yet at the same time, she told a senior staff panic “Don’t Panic” as he ran out the door to handle the situation.

However it seems things are much worse than the Mayor made out, as there has been a SWAT helicopter deployed over the city, and there are reports of fierce fighting near the Fresnadillo police station and governor’s residence. The chief of police said he was “Personally involved and in close quarter combat with his officers”.

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Fresnadillo Fracas

Fresnadillo Fracas

FRESNADILLO, AH: The Fresnadillo Chief of Police has been reported injured in a “disturbance” involving his fellow officers. According to a source on the inside, the scandal-plagued Chief was “right in the thick of it”.

UPDATE: The Chief is reportedly surrounded by “insurgents” in his house, and has called for police helicopter support.

Earlier, the Mayor said that she “fully supports” the chief’s actions in dealing with threats “on his own doorstep”.

Meanwhile, a source in the FPD expressed concernt that the Senior officer in the west of thecity is more concerned with his pay and conditions than with the developing situation.

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State Governor’s office slams Cleveland and Cincinatti Mayor’s

State Governor’s office slams Cleveland and Cincinatti Mayor’s

FRESNADILLO, AHAO: The governor’s office slammed the Mayor’s of Cleveland and Cincinnati for their recent handling of the unrest in their cities.

The mayor of Cincinatti characterized it as a blatant political move, and criticized the police presence the Governor has deployed at his own residence. “There was a disturbance in Cincinatti, but police handled it in line with policy” was his response to the situation that lead to 3 people in the hospital.

The mayor of Cleveland rejected claims of mishandling and cited it as just excitement from citizens about the opening of the new donut factory.

Shortly after we received the statement from Cleveland, the Governor reversed his comments about their mismanagement and said he fully supported the Mayor of Cleveland and added they were effectively protecting their citizens.

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Casualty Reports from Ahao hospitals.

Casualty Reports from Ahao hospitals.

FRESNADILLO, AHAO:- Reports are coming in from across the state of causalities being brought to various hospitals in various cities following the recent disturbances. Current reports are:

Toledo: 2 casualties

Cleveland: 2 casualties

Fresnadillo: 6 casualties

Cincinnati: 3 casuaties

Dayton: 3 casualties.

 

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Ahao Governor: Sport is the solution

Ahao Governor: Sport is the solution

FRESNADILLO, AH: The state governor today announced a new initiative to “promote an active, healthy lifestyle and take youth off the streets”. The development of a new sports stadium, to be located in Fresnadillo, will “promote excellence” and develop Ahaian Olympic champions.

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Increase of police funding in Toledo

Increase of police funding in Toledo

The local government offices in Toledo, Ahao, has announced an increase in funding for all areas of policing due to the distressing scenes reported in neighboring cities, and ‘low morale’ locally.

Chief of Police Daniel remarked that “effective policing begins with good morale, and an effective approach to discourage criminal activities”.

State Governer Micky Holeman was heard to say that he was “impressed” by the move.

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Fres-no love for citizens?

Fres-no love for citizens?

Chief deploys FPD to protect his own property amid civil disturbances

Fresnadillio: A source in the FPD reveals that the Chief of Police is deploying officers to protect his personal property and that of the State Governor ahead of the lives of ordinary Fresnadillians.

The impact of these actions on his future career prospects remains to be seen.

A city spokesman described the police’s actions as an “appropriate and measured response”.

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Urgent News! Zombies in Dayton!

Urgent News! Zombies in Dayton!

Riots in the outskirts of Dayton, Ahao, have been described as a ‘zombie outbreak’ by an eyewitness. He went on to describe the sight as a “shambling, biting, undead horde”.

This uprising was beaten back by Dayton’s police department, who stated the tactics used was ‘beating them on the head’.

More information will be given as it arises.

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National Guard Mobilising

National Guard Mobilising

Reports have come in of a large scale movement of the National Guard towards to NG Headquarters outside Toledo. It is suspected that this is for a weekend of training, but this is unconfirmed.

The Commander of the National Guard has been spotted enroute to speak to to Governor.

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Ahao Smackdown in Battle for Republican Primary

Ahao Smackdown in Battle for Republican Primary

CINCINATTI and FRESNADILLO, AHAO: The Governor of Ahao has announced he intends to run in the Republican Primary. This comes hot on the heels of the Mayor of Cincinatti has announcing his own candidacy.

The Mayor of Cincinatti, Kyle Raymond, is running on a platform of “From America, For America”, advising, controversially, that he wants to raise the minimum wage in line with inflation as well as provide tax incentives to keep manufacturing at home in America.

The Governer, Mickey Holman, has held a rally announcing his candidacy with backing from the Mayors of Toledo and Cleveland. He frames himself as a family man born and raised in Ahao with many years of fighting for the people of our great state.

Finally, Dale Lythgoe Chief of Emergency services in Toledo has also announced that he will run in the race.

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Disturbances in Across State!

Disturbances in Across State!

CINNCINATTI, AHAO:- BREAKING: Police have been deployed to two locations in the city of Cinncinatti to deal with large scale disturbances. No reports of casualties and no paramedics have been deployed said the city’s chief of emergency services. Updates as they come in.

CLEVELAND, AHAO:- Casualties in Cleveland confirmed after disturbances. Confirmed reports of fires spreading across the city centre.

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What’s Up With Wabash?

What’s Up With Wabash?

After reports of “zombies” come out of Wabash, this reporter has to ask – what have they been putting in the water over there?

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Going Do-nuts!

Going Do-nuts!

Exciting scenes in Cleveland today at the opening of the new donut factory, Kleveland Kremes. The much anticipated facility was opened by Lucinda Quinn, Mayor of Cleveland, in front of huge crowds. The event was much publicised, with the promise of free baked goods for attendees.

However, the sweet atmophere soon turned sour and the Chief of Police ordered a SWAT team to be dispatched to control the rioting mob.

 

 

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Crossing the bottom line

Crossing the bottom line

New developments in cubicle case

MANSFIELD, AHAO: Local police today confirmed that they have received “fresh leads” in the case which has been discussed at watercoolers across the county and left law enforcement scratching their heads – just who is the infamous “scat burglar” depriving municipal buildings of vital supplies?

More on the situation as it progresses.

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Crypt-ic Crossword

This week’s puzzle is now available!

See if you can detect a theme running through this grid, courtesy of the good folks in our Ahao office.

You can play online at  http://crossword.info/oddtwang/Cryptic

or download a PDF via  http://tinyurl.com/unsoc-cw

 

If you’re in Ahao, why not stop by the Badger offices and pick up a copy in person?

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Knowing Me Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Ahao!

CENTREVILLE, AHAO: Actor Steve Coogan made an unscheduled stop in Ahao yesterday during a transcontinental flight which was grounded due to another passenger’s ill health. That’s certainly a memorable Trip!

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Pig Suspected in Subway Ram-raid

Pig Suspected in Subway Ram-raid

WASHINGTON COUNTY, AHAO: In further updates to our last story, it now seems Millie may be facing charges of her own.

The 3 year old Gloucester Old Spot was found supine in an alley outside Main Street, with food strewn around the place. The nearby Subway had its window smashed and large quantities of stock missing.

“It was a complete pigsty when I came in this morning!” said Chuck Farnsworth as he was cleaning up the detritus, “It seems pretty obvious who the culprit is” he added.

The police have taken Millie to a nearby farm where she is being held in solitary confinement until the effects of the Marijuana wear off. They stated they have no plans to charge her, though Chad may face criminal damage charges on top of his earlier arrest.

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Chad Spohn Goes On Bender After Pet Pig Eats His Marijuana

Chad Spohn Goes On Bender After Pet Pig Eats His Marijuana

WASHINGTON COUNTY, AHAO:- So much for living high on the hog.

An Ahao man allegedly went on a bender after his pet pig ate his stash of pot.

On Thursday, deputies in Washington County, Ahao arrested Chad Spohn, 44, on disorderly conduct charges that started after he discovered Millie, his beloved pet, had gobbled up his marijuana.

Deputies arrived at Spohn’s house after he called 911 several times and said he was having suicidal thoughts. During one call, he said he was holding a butcher’s knife to his own throat, according to the police report.

Spohn’s wife, Heather, told officers that her husband was already depressed because of their pending divorce before discovering the pig got into his cannabis.. She said he then downed an entire bottle of Everclear , a strong alcohol.

HIs wife told officers that Spohn gets very upset when he does not have any mariuana.

In order to arrest him, officers subdued Spohn with a Taser. He was charged with disorderly conduct by intoxication and resisting arrest, both misdemeanors, and later released.

Spohn is out of custody, but Millie may not be in his life much longer, according to a Facebook post dated Jun. 27, two days before his arrest.

“Anyone want a pig? She is free and comes with food and cage,” he wrote. “She is house broken as long as you show her where to go. If you have a dog, she will follow it. I just dont have time for her anymore.”

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Ahao man surprised to catch 50-inch muskie

Ahao man surprised to catch 50-inch muskie

 

CENTERVILLE, Ahao (WCMH) – An Ahio man shared pictures of a 50-inch muskellunge caught over the weekend at Caesar Creek State Park.

“I got a really bit muskie on, biggest one I ever laid my eyes on,” said Cole Menker as he tried to bring the giant fish into his boat. “I haven’t caught a lot of muskie in my life, he looks like he’s a high 40s.”

Menker and his brother were fishing for saugeye with eight-pound test line when he caught the giant fish.

He posted a picture of himself holding the estimated 50-inch fish after he managed to reel it in.

“Moms Birthday today! She must have threw one down from heaven,” Menker said in the post.

Menker released the fish after taking pictures.

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Bill’s Donuts receives honor from People Magazine

Bill’s Donuts receives honor from People Magazine

 

CENTERVILLE, Ahao:–  Just a short drive from Columbus, there is a Dayton area doughnut shop that’s getting national attention.

Bill’s Donut Shop was featured Monday in People Magazine for its famous doughnuts.

The magazine gave the store the “Reasons to Love America” honor.

All of the donuts are made by hand in the Centerville store and it is open 24 hours a day seven days a week.

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